It’s that time of year again, when our stores are stuffed with shoppers, our homes and businesses decked out in shiny, and our inboxes as full as our bellies—except with crap. And yes, crap adorned with a sparkly ornament attachment or a quaint little snow-covered church jpeg is still crap. Perhaps even more so.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m actually rather fond of this time of year. I indeed get a little excited as the holidays approach—wait, did I just say “holidays”? How. Dare. I. Have I forgotten already the admonishment I received early this month? Perhaps you received something like it:
The Original
I will be making a conscious effort to wish everyone
a Merry Christmas this year …
My way of saying that I am celebrating
the birth Of Jesus Christ.
So I am asking,
if you agree with me,
to please do the same.
And if you’ll pass this on to
your buddies, and so on…
maybe we can prevent one more
American tradition from being lost in the sea of
“Political Correctness”.
The Translation
I will be making a conscious effort to wish everyone
a Merry Christmas this year …
TRANSLATION 1: . . . because ever since the lobotomy, multisyllabic phrases don’t roll off the tongue the way they used to.
TRANSLATION 2: . . . because last year, I relied on saying it spontaneously, and with sincerity, not forcefully as a bizarre non sequitur political statement—like Jesus would do.
TRANSLATION 3: . . . because for every person I say it to, my church will donate one dollar to a fund that helps build rockets to send Christians like me physically to the location we’ve occupied metaphorically for years: the center of the universe.
My way of saying that I am celebrating
the birth Of Jesus Christ.
TRANSLATION 1: What do you mean your family’s been saying that for years? I totally made that up. It’s my special way of saying it. This is all about me.
TRANSLATION 2: My way of saying that because I celebrate the birth of Jesus, everyone should. This is all about me.
So I am asking,
if you agree with me,
to please do the same.
TRANSLATOR’S NOTE: Something seems to be missing from the original correspondence that indicates what, exactly, we would be agreeing about. Agreeing that the writer will be making an effort to wish everyone a Merry Christmas? That the writer is celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ? That throwing a chain email tantrum about a nonexistent problem will convince people that the problem exists so that the writer and those who forward it can look like heroes without having to actually do anything heroic or even remotely good spirited?
And if you’ll pass this on to
your buddies, and so on…
maybe we can prevent one more
American tradition from being lost in the sea of
“Political Correctness”.
TRANSLATION 1: If you agree with this and pass it on to your buddies, the people who already say Merry Christmas will agree to say Merry Christmas, and we can save Christmas. The fact that Christmas is not in any danger and will therefore not be going anywhere anytime soon will only prove that what we’re doing is working.
TRANSLATION 2: I’m genuinely concerned about the evidence that Christmas is dying out: No one is decorating anymore; I never hear Christmas music this time of year; no families gather to celebrate; and every time someone utters the word “holiday,” another Christian says, “Darn. That means I can’t celebrate Christmas.” Like with my birthday: when the clerk at the Circle K said “Have a nice weekend” instead of “Happy birthday,” she in that moment completely obliterated my birthday from existence. I mean, if she’s not celebrating it, how can I possibly do so? Her politically correct weekend wishes were a declaration of war on my birthday. I can’t let that happen to Jesus. He’s just a baby, man.
TRANSLATION 3: The American traditions lost to political correctness need not be named. Because they can’t be.
TRANSLATION 4: Sure, “holiday” may be more “accurate” because people celebrate various holidays this time of year, such as New Year’s, Hanukkah, Boxing Day, Yule, Saturnalia, innumerable other solstice celebrations, blah, blah, blah–let’s face it. In America, you celebrate Christmas, or you celebrate Not-Christmas. There’s Christ and there’s Anti-Christ. Even when you celebrate Not-Christmas, you aren’t really celebrating something. You’re just pretending to celebrate so you can kill Christmas with your politically correct agenda. Think about it. If that weren’t true, how would your celebration relate in any way to me? It wouldn’t. I rest my case.
Besides, isn’t it kind of funny how all these other “holidays” just happen to have traditions that look an awful lot like Christmas traditions? Like decorating the tree? Special lights? The convenient dating of the holiday near when Jesus would have been born if the Bible didn’t say he wasn’t born in winter? Coincidence? Don’t tell me the Bible forbids these traditions or that Christians stole them from these older celebrations. “Facts” are just another word for “political correctness.” The people who wrote the Bible didn’t concern themselves with facts. Why should I?
The Response
Dear Gwen,
Thanks for sending this eye-opening e-mail. I had no idea you felt this way, and I want you to know, when I wished Uncle Tim a happy birthday, I really didn’t mean that to sound like I didn’t care about your birthday or that I wanted to make it disappear. That’s why I wished you both a happy birthday. And when I said hello to you and Martha the other day, I didn’t mean for my hello to Martha to somehow obliterate yours. I wanted to just say hello to both of you, but I see now that you took that as a personal slight against you. If I had known that sensitivity to other people, or even simple acknowledgment of them, was so deeply insulting to you, I would have ignored everyone else much sooner. Next time Granny comes in for a hug, and you’re standing right there, I’ll totally stiff-arm her and hug you. ’Cause that’s how much I care. I also want you to know that a whole team of psychiatrists also cares very deeply and would like to spend lots of one-on-one time talking with you about you. They’ll be along soon, Gwen. My present to you.
Merry Christmas.
Melanie
Is your inbox full of nonsense—religious, “alternative,” or otherwise? Send it my way: yourinboxisfullofit@gmail.com.
Happy Hanakwanmass!
How dare you! What about Festivus? What about Newtonmas? What about National Fruitcake Day?
Her-Rumph, and Hum-Bahbug!
This summed up perfectly and eloquently my one serious gripe at this time of year. Well done, my friend! I look forward to your next installment! :)
I’m with Dux, nary a mention of Humanlight! Humanlight for Pete’s sake! Just the sort of war on humans that one would expect from those that don’t think *exactly* like humans do. I also think that you should move to another country, since you don’t like the American humans here. ;)
Thanks Mel! This made my day.
HAHAHHHAH!!!! AWESOME!! almost better than tracking Santa on NORAD….almost, I say…ALMOST….;-)